Avatar reviewed

Last week the wife and I finally got around to seeing Avatar.

Disclaimer: we enjoyed the film, or at least the experience of seeing it. Then mocking it. Avatar was visually stunning. The computer animated Nabuli (or whatever) looked real in a way no CGI ever has, Gollum from the LOTR trilogy included. The cinematography was arresting it was so beautiful--my jaw actually dropped at moments.

All this said, it was a terrible film. Not "okay", not "subpar"; this is an activley bad film. Possibly Transformers 2 bad.

The plot was trash. It was nothing that hasn't been done multiple times. Big picture, it was Dances with Wolves/Pocahontas with blue natives. Small picture, I'm pretty sure scenes were lifted directly from Ferngully. I've read the English find it amusing that we Americans show up in droves for films that are anti-imperialist in "un-American" way. I find it amusing that there are people in the world who could be insulted by such a dumb movie.

The greatest irony of all is that while Avatar is three-dimensional, not one of the characters is. Virtually all of the people are flat cliches. There's the (literally) grizzled sergeant who get's obsessed with the mission. "Youre not in Kansas any more," he actually says. The we have the altruistic scientist, dedicated to the end, who falls in love with the beings she studies. Her literal dying words wish for a sample. Then we have the conflicted, corporate pawn, who ultimately chooses mission before mercy, then, naturally, regrets it. They even have a few roided out, thick-necked killers who look like the rejects from Gears of War, the dedicated nerd who manages to find his stones at the end, and the ultra-tough chick who really has a heart deep inside her obsidian-hard exterior. Of course, she's played by the ever-versatile Michelle Rogriguez.

The blue critters are almost as unanimously brought to us in the tiny squares that pop out of the cliche icecube maker. The valiant (and best) warrior who would be chief. The noble chief, who will die. His shaman wife. Their daughter, the "local tail" that brings about the change in the protagonist.

Question: has any female lead in this type of story NOT bought the daughter of the chief/king/leader? Even once? Can we get one female who is, on her own merit, intriguing enough to be the love interest? Does she ALWAYS need the royal pedigree? James Cameron, could you be any lazier?

I'd go back to continuing the to line up the stereotypes of native peoples, but that's all there are. After that Hollywood says they all have to be noble but completely interchangeable. That's how we (figuratively) paint American Indians, even when they are (literally) painted blue. Speaking of American Indians, it's time to address how offensive these cliches really are.

Dear Hollywood: Native Americans were human. They had wars. They killed. They murdered, raped, plundered and acted like, well, savages. Just like people on every other continent. Humans were and are creatures of evolution: we've treated each other very badly for a very long time. American Indians were and are the same species as the rest of us. Please stop pretending they were anything more, as it inherently means they were also less. Thank you.

Back to the film, would it have been impossible to get a single surprise along the way? The second we saw the giant pterodactyl, we knew Sully was going to ride it. That wasn't enough. Later Cameron felt in necessary to tell us only five had ever ridden Big Bird. How much would I have bet on who would be number six? Oh, everything I own. When Sigourney Weaver was dying, the shaman said it was up to the planet whether or not the transfer would work. At that second I would have honestly bet my life Sully was going to successfully transfer at the end. I mean that.

In the end, when he was attempting the transfer, I was silently begging the film to have him not survive it. Not because I wanted him dead, but just because I really wanted just one curveball in the film. It was THAT predictible from start to finish.

If Avatar wins best picture it will be the most pathetic selection in the history of the Academy. Worse than Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan. Worse than Crash over A History of Violence (which wasn't nominated). The fact that this film is even nominated, much less the fact that it's a front-runner, is offensive. I can understand why this film made a lot of money. It was worth my cash to see the beautiful CGI on an 80 ft screen. But make no mistake, this is a very bad movie.